I've Changed

            Two days have passed since Project has been over and it all feels surreal to me. I’m sitting in my bedroom, gazing at all the knickknacks around me and none of them have changed, but I have. I have grown not only in boldness in sharing the Gospel, but I’ve also grown in my reliance on God and knowing my identity in Him. Being on Project, I’ve been able to reflect on my walk with Christ and how I came to have a personal relationship with Him. I grew up with a legalistic view of my faith: if I do good, I am a Christian and that my works prove my identity. And as a result, my faith was by works and grace was completely foreign to me. I also grew up in a church that lacked a constant pastor, and so the fact that I had to serve every week without being constantly spiritually fed and that I had the mentality of earning the “Christian” title played a large role in hindering my understanding of what a personal relationship with God looks like. It wasn’t until I was in college, did I start to desiring to be close to God, to trust in His provisions and His great plan. I can’t really describe how it all happened, but from high school to college, God has been chipping away at the lies I believed in and revealing Himself to me. He has been humbling me and making me hungrier for His wisdom and not my own. This is a really quick summary of my testimony and I would love to share it in detail with you, if you would like to meet up with me for tea and baked goods in the future. But yeah… God has been doing so much in my heart this summer.

            The highlight of Project for me was personal growth. I had no idea God would challenge and convict me to do the things that I did, speak to the people that I spoke to, and step out completely in faith. Because I grew up with the mentality I had to prove my identity and worth, it was hard for me to swallow that God completely delights in me. I remember accidentally falling asleep during multiple pastors’ sermons and waking up with a sack of shame crushing me and I thought, “This is not what a Christian looks like. How can I call myself one? How can I be pleasing to God and others?” Of course it’s not ideal to sleep during church, but God does not call us to be shameful of our shortcomings. And through understanding His love for me and that I am perfect through Christ, I also grew to understand He wants to the best for me and that I don’t need to settle for anything less than that. I’m slowly learning how to accept grace and be joyful because of it and it feels so good. God is so good.

            Although I’ve grown a lot personally, I do wish I handled some things differently this summer. I wish I invested in community more. In the beginning of Project, I was dealing with some personal problems and so I withdrew from community and masked my true reason with the fact that I’m introverted. Introversion did play a role, but was not the main reason why I didn’t go out side of my room at night to hang out with other people. In the last two weeks of Project, I was more intentional than ever. Even though many conversations started with awkward, forced starters like, “Hey! I don’t know you that well. Tell me about yourself!” I felt the need and desire to get to know this awesome body of believers that God has placed me with for two months. And I’m happy to say I got to hear testimonies and build intimate relationships within the last two weeks. Also, being a native Southern Californian, I have the opportunity to still grow close to many of the students (and I’m even getting super close to Bruins. God loves them too! =P). On the last day, many people cried when we were all saying our good byes, but I remained pretty composed. I am sad to see many go, but I also realize that this community doesn’t end this summer. It will extend for a lifetime and eternity. We also have Facebook and texting to keep in touch (you wouldn’t believe how crazy our group page is going. People are posting PPD—Post Project Depression).

            I am super excited to bring what I’ve learned this summer to USC. On the second to last day, Scott and I (the only Trojans on SMSP) did a prayer walk at school and it was just thrilling to imagine how God will use us this year. We walked to places we found significant to our past year and places we desired to see God manifest Himself. The film school is my target area this year (through many closed doors, God has shown me to start a Bible study there) and I am anxious, but also super excited. God has been teaching me about His miraculous power and not to underestimate Him. Please continue to pray for me and this new bold step I’m about to take.

            To close off this entry, I would like to tell you that this summer in Santa Monica seven people have accepted Christ in their lives and as a total we have all spoken to about 1,000 people and shared the Gospel to 700+ of those people. I thought Santa Monica was a place that didn’t want God (in fact, I expected to be turned down every single time I went out sharing), but in truth it is a place filled with people who desire to be known and God desires to know them. Keep praying for Santa Monica.